THE PICAYUNE

(“It’s the truth even if it didn’t happen.”)

01 May 2009

"Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn't return him now if we wanted to." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today was President Obama's 100th day in office. Isn't that amazing? Actually, when you think about it, George W. Bush was president for eight years, and he never came close to spending 100 days in the office. So, we're way ahead." --Jay Leno

"Someone at the White House made a big mistake yesterday. They flew Air Force One right over the city of New York, which scared the hell out of a lot of people. Thousands of people panicked. Some of them even evacuated their office buildings, and it was all because they wanted to get a picture of the President's plane next to the Statue of the Liberty. We have the first president ever who can use Facebook, but his staff does not know how to use Photoshop." --Jimmy Kimmel

"How about that swine flu? The government is saying forget about nonessential air travel, an example of which would be flying Air Force One really low over New York City." --David Letterman

***

“Vice President Joe Biden said on the ‘Today’ show that the subways in New York City are not safe because of swine flu. Hey Joe, listen to this – the subways weren’t safe before swine flu.” –David Letterman

Taking his most urgent action to date since cases of swine flu were first reported, President Barack Obama today ordered an emergency quarantine of Vice President Joe Biden.

Mr. Biden was in the middle of giving a wide-ranging television interview on swine flu preparedness when he was seized by representatives of the Department of Homeland Security and placed in quarantine.

"I'll tell you this, if I thought I might catch swine flu by going to work or a movie or the mall or something like that, I sure as heck wouldn't -" Mr. Biden was saying when he was abruptly yanked away from the microphone.

According to President Obama, the vice president will be kept in a sealed box away from television cameras and microphones "until we are certain that the danger is passed."

"There is no clear scientific proof that swine flu can be spread by television cameras or microphones," Mr. Obama said. "But it's better to be safe than sorry."

--The Borowitz Report

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"Seventy-nine-year-old Arlen Specter is now switching to the Democratic Party, which is a big loss for Republicans. You know, when they lose that young blood, it hurts." --Jay Leno

"This really is big, because Specter's move puts the Democrats within a hair's breath of a unfilibusterable 60-seat Senate majority. So now it appears the Senate's balance of power, in many respects, the future of our nation is in the hands of Al Franken. What a country!" --Jon Stewart

***

Inez M. Starks, 55, claims she was bitten on her buttocks by a police dog in Warren, Mich., causing damage to a nerve so that she can no longer work. She sued the city -- and the police dog, "Liberty". That didn't sit well for Macomb County Circuit Court Judge David Viviano, who fined Starks $500 for frivolously including the dog itself in the suit. Her attorney, Lawrence Radden, admitted to the judge he named Liberty in the suit as an "attention grabber," but Viviano declared he was against suits filed "with the intention of gaining media attention," and actually had to be based upon the law. Radden paid the fine for his client. (Macomb Daily) ...In other news, Hell froze over in Macomb County this month. –This Is True

“Burning Wok Caused Sex Shop Fire" -- New Zealand Herald

Quote of the week: “I have outlived my pecker.” Willy Nelson, on his 75^th birthday.

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Thomas L. Mowbray, Editor