THE PICAYUNE

(“It’s the truth even if it didn’t happen.”)

13 February 2009

How about President Barack Obama's first primetime press conference last night? He was cogent, eloquent, and in complete command of the issues. I'm thinking to myself, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?" --David Letterman

"I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is 'Spare Change You Can Believe In.'" --Jay Leno

As Sen. Judd Gregg confirmed that he would stay in the fold of conservative Republican obstructionists in the Senate instead of in President Obama's cabinet, Obama himself laid out a progressive vision of government that fundamentally rejects President Reagan's government-is-the-problem mindset. It was a vision that Gregg apparently could not embrace. –OurFuture Today

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“And an elderly man in Boynton Beach, Florida, was arrested after he called 911 to report that the Burger King he was standing in had just run out of lemonade. It is so sad to see what’s happened to John McCain since the election.” –Jay Leno

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“Today, the heads of the eight largest banks testified before Congress. Bank C.E.O.’s in a room full of politicians – they had to flip a coin to see who’s going to tell the first lie.” –Jay Leno

“See, the whole theory behind this salary cap is if you’re not performing well, and you’re taking taxpayer money, then that should be reflected in lower wages. Of course, under that criteria, everybody in Congress should get like, what, 2 bucks an hour?” –Jay Leno

“It looks like more than 13,000 people were caught up in that Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That’s where you throw good money after bad, or as the government calls it, a stimulus package.” –Jay Leno

Geithner Warns His Talking Could Cause Depression

Markets Plunge on Treasury Secretary’s Latest Statement

In testimony before Congress today, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner warned that by continuing to talk he might plunge the nation into a depression.

"The nation's economy is in a crisis that could easily turn into a catastrophe," the Treasury Secretary said. "In this precarious state, it is highly vulnerable to my talking."

Mr. Geithner pointed to the Dow Jones Industrial Average's 300-point drop during his previous day of Congressional testimony as proof that his amorphous policy statements posed a serious threat to the nation's economy.

"What further damage could my vague remarks do?" he asked. "The truth is, I don't know."

Overseas markets plunged on the news that Mr. Geithner was talking again, with both the NIKKEI and the FTSE shedding over eight percent of their value.

At a town hall meeting in Indiana, President Barack Obama heard from a housewife, Carol Foyler, 47, who pleaded with the President to make Mr. Geithner stop talking.

"Every time he opens his mouth, I'm afraid I'm going to lose my house," she said.

President Obama hugged Mrs. Foyler and said he would "see what I can do" about the Geithner problem.

"I will do everything in my power to get Tim to stop talking," the President said. "Quite honestly, I already have my hands full with Biden." –The Borowitz Report

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“Good news and bad news from FEMA. The bad news is FEMA says some of the disaster relief food they have may contain salmonella-tainted peanut butter. The good news is that since it’s FEMA, it will be years before it gets to anybody.” –Jay Leno

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

“I am a great believer in freedom of expression, but I have been tempted recently to make an exception, not by banning speech but by requiring it. I would be very happy if there was some way to make it a misdemeanor for people to talk about reducing the budget deficit without including a recommendation that we substantially cut military spending.” –Barney Frank

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In his new book "The Gamble," Thomas Ricks recounts an example of the "loathing" Donald Rumsfeld generated. Shortly after he left the Pentagon, Rumsfeld visited the upscale D.C. restaurant Buck's Fishing and Camping. Chef-owner Carole Greenwood told her co-owner, James Alefantis, that she wanted Rumsfeld kicked out: "I'm not serving a war criminal in my restaurant." Greenwood eventually relented, "but only on the condition that someone else cook Rumsfeld’s meal." –The Progress Report

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Yesterday, legendary country music singer Dolly Parton had the “usually sedate crowd” at the National Press Club “cracking up with her self-deprecating humor and one-liners, including a few on politics.” Parton, who was in town for her role as an ambassador for Great Smoky Mountains National Park said, “Somebody said to me, ‘Well, you know what – you’ve got such a big mouth and you know how to talk to people, did you ever think about running for president?’ ... I said, ‘I think we’ve had enough boobs in the White House, but hopefully [President] Obama ain’t gonna be one of them.’” –The Progress Report

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You can be as romantic as any Italian by using a few simple phrases listed below:

"Ti amo" (tee ah moe): I love you

"Ti adoro" (tee ah door oh): I adore you

"Mi manchi" (me mahn kee): I miss you

"Ti penso sempre" (tee pen so sehm pray): I always think about you

"Sei sempre nel mio cuore" (say sehm pray nell me oh kwo ray): You are always in my heart

"Voglio baciarti" (volley oh bah char tee): I want to kiss you

"Sei molto bella/bello" (say mohl toe bell ah/oh): You are very beautiful/handsome

"Mi manchi come l'aria che respiro" (me mahn kee ko may la ree ah kay res pier oh): I miss you like the air that I breathe

"Vaffanculo!" (vah fon ku low): Happy Valentine's Day!

--Only In Italy

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Thomas L. Mowbray, Editor