THE PICAYUNE
(“It’s the truth even if it
didn’t happen.”)
13 March 2009
"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." -- Bill Maher
"Here's a cute story. You know the Obama kids? They got a swing set there on the White House lawn. And here's the nice thing. This is what you like about Obama. He is a very conscientious guy. Thinks of everything, because the swing set didn't cost the taxpayers anything. They built the swing set out of old pieces of Dick Cheney's guard tower." -- David Letterman
"Over the weekend in D.C., first lady Michelle Obama was at a homeless shelter serving food to the homeless. Isn't that nice? Reaching out to the middle class." --Jay Leno
"According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they're worried about the economy. I think it might also have something to do with the fact that they are sleeping under bridges." --Craig Ferguson
***
"John McCain's daughter, Meghan, she wrote yesterday that Ann Coulter is 'offensive,' 'radical,' and 'insulting.' Wow. That is by far the nicest thing anyone has ever said about Ann." -- Jimmy Fallon
***
"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson have broken up. That's right. That's right. And apparently it was not that big a surprise. Even the Russians saw it coming. I think secretly, Rush Limbaugh wanted them to fail. But right about now, Sarah Palin is in a helicopter hunting for the boyfriend with her rifle." -- David Letterman
***
"In a stunning announcement, Citigroup showed a profit and had its best quarter since 2007. They made $8 billion dollars in profit. That just shows you: If you give a company $45 billion in government bailout money, they'll show you how to turn it into $8 billion in profit." --Jay Leno
"And astronomers say they have discovered two enormous black holes 5 billion light years from Earth that are sucking up everything in their paths. They named the black holes 'AIG-1' and 'AIG-2.'" -- Jay Leno - ed. tlm
***
"The Republican Party says they want a big tent. They want to be all-inclusive, they want the big tent, and they're going to make it out of Rush Limbaugh's pants." -- David Letterman
***
PAGING MARTIN LUTHER: The Roman Catholic Church is bringing back Plenary Indulgences -- a sort-of Get Out of Hell Free card from a priest. "Why are we bringing it back?" offered Bishop Nicholas A. DiMarzio of Brooklyn, N.Y., who supports indulgences. "Because there is sin in the world." Indulgences were dropped by the church in the 1960s after the Second Vatican Council. Church doctrine notes that even after a priest offers absolution after confession, sinners still face punishment after death. Indulgences supposedly cancel the punishment in purgatory. They cannot be purchased -- the church outlawed that in 1567 -- but a contribution greases the wheels. A parishioner must confess to get one, and there is a limit of one per sinner per day. "It was always there," Bishop DiMarzio says. "We just want people to return to the ideas they used to know." (New York Times)
"Cop Makes Arrest in Bathroom after Smelling Crack" -- AP headline
WASHINGTON—Under the provisions of a bill approved by Congress and signed into law Tuesday, every 25-year-old American, regardless of prior life commitments, is now legally obligated to enroll in a full year of study at one of the nation's accredited law schools. 'This new measure gives us the means to compel 25-year-olds to simultaneously placate their parents, impress their friends with complex-sounding legal jargon, and effectively avoid any real-world responsibilities for another full year,' said Rep. Steve Buyer (R-IN). 'We can think of no better way for our young people to squander their postcollegiate aimlessness.' Congress is reportedly seeking further legislation that would provide for an additional nine months of grumbling over LSAT prep, and up to five years of whining about paying off student loan debt. –The Onion
MowbrayPublishing.com P.O.
Box 7, Nashua, IA 50658-0007
Thomas L. Mowbray, Editor