THE PICAYUNE
(“It’s the truth even if it
didn’t happen.”)
16 January 2009
"President Bush had his final press conference today, and it went pretty well. Only three shoes were thrown." --David Letterman
"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14 minutes." --Jay Leno
"But President Bush did take credit for a couple of things. He said, you know, Dick Cheney hasn't shot anybody in a couple of years. So that's always good, right?" --David Letterman
"After eight years, it is kind of sad President Bush had his final press conference. And you know what that means for us here at the ‘Late Show.’ We’re going to have to start writing our own comedy again." --David Letterman
***
"And how about this for nerve? This is unbelievable. The porn industry is now asking for a $5 billion federal bailout. The porn industry. Talk about a stimulus package." --Jay Leno
"Toyota's developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood." --Conan O'Brien
***
Here is a personal selection of the most idiotic quotes by President Bush and his cronies. –tlm
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —President George W. Bush, Aug. 5, 2004
"My belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators." –Vice President Dick Cheney, "Meet the Press," March 16, 2003.
"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." —President Bush, to FEMA director Michael Brown, while touring hurricane-ravaged Mississippi, Sept. 2, 2005
"Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well." —FEMA Director Michael Brown, Sept. 1, 2005
"If you'll look at my lovely FEMA attire you'll really vomit. I am a fashion god… Anything specific I need to do or tweak? Do you know of anyone who dog-sits? ... Can I quit now? Can I come home? ... I'm trapped now, please rescue me." —FEMA Director Michael Brown, in various emails to colleagues and friends in the immediate aftermath of Hurricane Katrina
"What I'm hearing which is sort of scary is that they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckle) — this is working very well for them." —Former First Lady Barbara Bush, on the hurricane evacuees at the Astrodome in Houston, Sept. 5, 2005
"As I was telling my husb—. As I was telling President Bush." —National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, who is unmarried, overheard making a slip of the tongue at a Washington dinner party, April 2004
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —President George W. Bush, Sept. 6, 2004
"We know there are known knowns: there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns: that is to say we know there are things we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don't know we don't know." —Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Defense Department briefing, Fe. 12, 2002
"I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my business to do intelligent work." —Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, asked to estimate the number of Iraqi insurgents while testifying before Congress, Feb. 16, 2005
"Go f**k yourself." —Vice President Dick Cheney to Sen. Patrick Leahy, during an angry exchange on the Senate floor about profiteering by Halliburton, June 22, 2004
"I don't
recall." —Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who repeated the phrase, or
some variation, more than 70 times in response to congressional questions about
the firing of U.S. attorneys, April 20, 2007
"As yesterday's
positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and
results are measured." —President Bush, on the No Child Left Behind Act,
Sept. 26, 2007
"So?"
—Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited
a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth
fighting, March 19, 2008
"So what?"
—President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that
Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008
***
Surviving the Obama Comedy Crisis: Selections from “A Report
from the Front Lines” by Daniel
Kurtzman, About.com.
For
those in the business of political mockery, the last 16 years have been a
glorious golden age. If Bill Clinton was a full-employment act for political
comedians, then George W. Bush was a welfare program.
But
when Barack Obama takes the oath of office on Jan. 20, the era of easy
presidential punch lines may be coming to a close. As it has been widely noted
in humor circles, Obama remains a tough target. So far, the most memorable
Obama mockery has ranged from the utterly atrocious (see: the "Barack the
Magic Negro" song parody debacle) to the mildly amusing (Fred Armisen's
competent but guffaw-free impersonation of Obama on "Saturday Night
Live").
What's
in store for political humor in the age of Obama? Will he be the president who
presides over the bursting of the comedy bubble? Or can he find a way to bail
out the comedy industry too? There's no better way to find out than directly
from those on the front lines of the comedy crisis -- the comedians, joke
writers, and satirists tasked with the urgent work of fortifying our nation's
strategic humor reserves.
These
intrepid souls were asked to weigh in on the pressing comedic question of the
day: How do you plan to survive the Obama years? Their testimonials follow:
Joe
Grossman, writer, "The Late Show With David Letterman":
My
best guess is that the late-night hosts will have to reinvent their shows now
that political humor will cease to exist. Most likely, you'll see Letterman
replace all of his comedy material with cooking segments, household safety
demonstrations, poetry readings, and public service announcements imploring
America's teenagers to practice sound physical and social hygiene. Either that,
or the Obama administration will prove fallible, and mockery of government will
continue as it has for most of recorded history. Could go either way.
Michael
Colton and John Aboud, screenwriters, VH1 talking heads, and writers for Fox's
upcoming animated comedy "Sit Down, Shut Up":
Barack
Obama is a transformational figure who represents the fulfillment of the
American dream and the end of all humor. His wisdom and judgment will erase
every single social and political discontent that fuels comedy, including
marital strife, the inconveniences of air travel, and D.M.V. wait times. He
will cause humans to cease breaking wind. We forecast the last joke in America
will be told on Aug. 5, 2009 -- a tepidly received one-liner conflating Leon
Panetta with the foodstuff "pancetta."
Kevin
Bleyer, writer, "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart":
On the
contrary, I'm thrilled about an Obama presidency. During the Bush years, all my
jokes were written by a team of Chinese pre-teens in a Shanghai sweatshop. Not
that they didn't do a superb job -- I thought their take on seating the
Michigan delegation was especially insightful -- but I'm just happy to have my
job back.
Peter
Gwinn, writer, "The Colbert Report":
We do
face a serious problem, because now that George Bush is no longer president,
nothing is funny in the entire world. I expect that in 2009, most of my own
comedy will consist of reading Laffy Taffy wrappers out loud: "Why are
rhinos so wrinkly?" "Because they're hard to iron." That
joke right there will always be comedy gold, at least until America elects a
rhino president.
Baratunde
Thurston, self-described comedian, vigilante pundit, and Web and politics
editor for The Onion:
For
the first few weeks, I plan to scream for joy and hug strangers on the street
as I've done continuously since the night of Nov. 4. Then I plan to keep
writing material that uniquely illuminates this country's socio-political
reality while causing laughter and self-urination among my audience. That's
what political comics do. Too many people had one Bush-is-dumb joke and thought
that made them the next Mark Twain. The arrival of a president fluent in
English should raise the bar.
Charlie
Kadau, comedy writer and senior editor, MAD magazine:
Commanders-in-chief
who exhibit competence and self-control are never mother lodes for jokes, so
we'll have to start slow: we now have a President who's having a problem
quitting smoking, he's obsessed with his Blackberry, he lives with his
mother-in-law...given that, let's be thankful there are still plenty of
Republicans in D.C. Ultimately, why am I optimistic? Look who Obama has
included in his inner circle -- the Clintons! Talk about a humor stimulus
package!
Steve Young, TV writer and author who blogs
at steveyoungonpolitics:
I see
comedy entering a more difficult, more painful era. For the past eight years of
Bush and Cheney and the intern years of Clinton, we were pretty much
stenographers. Come Jan. 20, comics and writers will actually have to make up
satire instead of relying on cut and paste inanity lifted directly from
political speeches and off the cuff remarks of the newsworthy. Thank God we'll
still have Joe Biden, and with Bill O'Reilly continuing to be a nightly factor,
it's not like we'll have to generate all the nonsense ourselves.
Evan
& Gregg Spiridellis, co-founders of JibJab:
We
would like to take this opportunity to calm the fears of satirists everywhere.
Barack Obama is (1) a human being and (2) a politician. Those two qualities
alone guarantee that there will be a steady stream of raw materials for jokes
over the next four to eight years.
Sam
Means, writer, "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart," and author of
"A Practical Guide to Racism," in character as C.H. Dalton:
How do
I plan to survive the Obama years? Law school.
***
Oh-oh,
haven't you read? Obama has put an Italian as head of the CIA. I thought Obama
was smart! Oh well, bye-bye America. I'm sure I don't have to elaborate of past
Italian imbroglios of relationships with America...do I? Nick
Thanks
for the letter, Nick.
We can
understand your concern of President Obama's hiring of an Italian of Calabrese
roots to be the head of the CIA. However; we feel Signore Leon Panetta will do
a good job and make Italy proud of him.
After all, Obama and Signore Panetta share a passion for hot spicy food! Ever try hot peperoncino from Calabria on your food? –Only In Italy
MowbrayPublishing.com P.O.
Box 7, Nashua, IA 50658-0007
Thomas L. Mowbray, Editor