THE PICAYUNE

(“It’s the truth even if it didn’t happen.”)

17 April 2009

"This pirates stuff is unbelievable, but the Obama administration is getting high marks for the way they handled the rescue situation this weekend, or the military did. But with all the problems we have right now, who would have guessed that on top of everything else our new president would have to deal with pirates? What's next? A dragon? Ghosts?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"And as you know, that captain of the merchant ship that was held captive by three Somali pirates was rescued when the pirates were shot and killed by a group of Navy Seals. President Obama authorized the military to use any force necessary to accomplish this. And today, the CEOs of Ford, Chrysler and GM said, 'We'll build any car you want.'" --Jay Leno

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"This Wednesday, April 15th, taxes are due, but people who work for President Obama are busy doing their taxes for 1998, '99, 2000." --Jay Leno

"Well, hey, it's tax day today. It's tax day. It's Wednesday, April 15th. But if you don't get yours down in time, don't worry about it. The good news is, you may be on your way to an Obama cabinet position. So that's good. Congratulations. Good luck." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno

"Some Americans did a very dumb thing today. They had tea party protests. They've been mailing tea bags to Congress to I guess express their dissatisfaction with taxes and government spending because nothing shakes a politician up like a complimentary bag of tea. 'Hey if you don't straighten up next year, [we’ll send] crumpets, buddy.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"And a lot of protests today. Thousands of people had these tea parties, during which they protested higher taxes. But here in LA, it was called the Green Herbal Double Decaf Tea Party." --Jay Leno

"This is like the Boston tea party for people that decided, let's say, I don't know, two and a half months ago, that they didn't want to pay taxes anymore. The tea part is just a metaphor [on screen: a Fox News reporter pointing to boxes at one of the tea parties containing a million tea bags]. Let me get this straight. To protest wasteful spending, you bought a million tea bags. Are you protesting taxes or irony?" --Jon Stewart, on the tea party protests.

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The Daily Universe, the student newspaper of the Mormon-church-run Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, published a typo. On its front page, a photo caption identified the "Quorum of the Twelve Apostates" of the church, rather than "Apostles". All 18,500 copies were pulled from newsstands, and the paper was reprinted. The newspaper blamed a copy editor using a computerized spell checker, which found "apostles" misspelled; the editor chose the first alternative, rather than the correct word. (Provo Daily Herald) –This Is True

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