THE PICAYUNE

(“It’s the truth even if it didn’t happen.”)

20 February 2009

"I saw an article last week that said, 'Is Obama's Presidency already a failure?' ... I think everybody should just calm down. Give Obama four years. See what he can do. Then if he's a miserable failure, we'll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term." --Craig Ferguson

Ben & Jerry's has created a new ice cream flavor for Obama -- "Yes Pecan!"

Obama's director of the Office of Management and Budget, Peter Orszag, had a rough first weekend of work. Finding a large marble fireplace stacked with wood in his office on a chilly January day, Orszag lit a cozy fire. "The only problem: The Secret Service had capped the building's chimneys. Smoke alarms started going off upstairs, and the building was evacuated." Orszag has suffered the mocking of the White House ever since. "Rahm [Emanuel] asked me to send smoke signals to the Hill," Orszag told Politico's Ben Smith. –The Progress Report

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"Bristol Palin, Governor Sarah Palin's daughter, in a recent interview said, "A year ago, I never would have thought I would become a mom or that my mom was going to be chosen to be a vice presidential candidate. Oddly enough, both things happened because some guy failed to take the proper precautions." --Jay Leno

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"A lot of individual states are having budget problems right now. California in particular is a mess. Governor Schwarzenegger can't get fellow Republicans to vote for his compromise plan because it includes a big tax increase. And he's already done everything he can possibly do to convince them. He told them he'll 'be back,' he said, 'Hasta la vista, baby.' He even threatened to terminate them, several times, to no avail." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state's giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for." --Jay Leno

“As part of a plan to close his state’s budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can’t have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he’s going to tax pornography. If he can’t enjoy it, nobody can. What’s next, a tax on rainbows?” –Jimmy Kimmel

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The State of Florida sold personal information from its drivers license data base to private marketing companies, including each driving citizen’s name, address, and Social Security number. It made $108 million on the sales over a four-year period – the four years after such sales were made illegal by federal law. When several Floridians sued, the state refused to admit wrongdoing, but agreed to settle for $10.4 million, which will be divided up this way: the drivers who sued, $3,000 each. Everyone else: a $1 credit on their next car registration fee. The five law firms that worked on the suit: $2.85 million. Federal law calls for a $2,500 penalty for each violation, which would have come to $39 billion. (St. Petersburg Times) ...Which would penalize citizens even more. So how about ten years in prison for every state official who went along with the scheme? –This Is True

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Rome - February 11, 2009 - "Eat your whites!" a newspaper stated, noting that a "bristly upstart" from Italy was threatening to replace the more traditional cauliflower on dinner plates across Britain.

Yesterday Italy hit back, delivering a blow in the broccoli wars that was sure to turn British growers green with envy.

Politicians lined up to extol the virtues of the Italian greens with extravagant claims that broccoli could help you to lose weight and improve your life. Its very existence, they claimed, was proof that Italy was the world's undisputed culinary superpower.

Broccoli "was inflicting a heavy defeat on British cauliflower" for the simple reason that it tasted better, claimed one. "I invite British people to taste our broccoli and test its flavor and quality for themselves," said Luca Zaia, the Italian Minister of Agriculture.

He decried a campaign by the Brassica Growers' Association to help to save the cauliflower, as reported in a newspaper on Monday, as crude "protectionism".

"We know from experience that the British cauliflower can be good," he conceded, but was quick to add: "If you eat broccoli, extra virgin olive oil and pasta you will be fit, lose weight and live better."

Cauliflower production has fallen by 35 per cent in Britain in the past decade as tastes change but the growers' association insists that the quintessentially British vegetable must be saved.

Not so, say the Italians. "It would be too easy for us to retaliate by asking Italians not to buy Aquascutum or Burberry. But we would then fall into a protectionist trap rather than relying on quality and competitiveness," said Paolo Russo, head of the Parliamentary Agriculture Commission.

He added that Italian broccoli was "inflicting a heavy defeat on British cauliflower simply because it tastes better". Mr Russo advised British people also to eat mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses and Italian hams. "Italian food products are appreciated around the world because they are of high quality and their origin is guaranteed. All the rest is protectionism and an offence to consumers."

Giuseppe Politi, head of the Italian Farmers' Confederation, suggested that British farmers should go over to broccoli production rather than trying to keep the vegetable out, "which certainly will not solve the problem".

Agriculture experts said that exports of Italian wine to Britain increased by 10 per cent last year. Coldiretti, another Italian farmers' organization, told an Italian news agency: "If, according the British paper, broccoli is substituting for cauliflower in British kitchens and restaurants then perhaps wine will eventually replace beer in pubs."

"Maria, mio amore, look at all this wonderful broccoli I brought home!"

"Francesco, che bello! Where did you get it?"

"Ah, Maria, would you believe this cute politician around the corner was selling them at 10 kgs a vote?"

Fun facts about broccoli:

1. The word broccoli comes from the Latin word "brachium" and the Italian word "braccio", which means "arm".

The word, "politico" comes from the Greek word "polis" and the Italian word "coglione", which means...coglione.

2) Broccoli is a part of the cabbage family.

.Politicians have no family. They are spawned by Italy. It created them! Now it's too late. We can't abandon these lonely children who are telling Italian farming associations, "Just grow the vegetables, shut up, and leave the promoting to us."

3. Eating broccoli reduces the risk of coronary heart disease and death in postmenopausal women.

Politicians increase the risk of just about every disease and are only interested in premenopausal women.

4) Broccoli is a cool-weather crop and grows poorly in the summer.

Politicians are weeds which grow savagely and always in the wrong place. Sometimes they can take over and are difficult to remove. Ornamental or introduced public representatives can become 'politicians' when they spread rapidly from their original planting spot by seeding freely or by rooting, and can overpower their better-behaved voters.

5. Broccoli comes in a variety of colors, ranging from deep sage all the way to dark green and purplish-green.

Politicians come from a variety of Italian regions, ranging from the polenta-sucking racists from Padania to the corrupt cannoli-chomping Mafia from Sicily.

6. A long time ago, broccoli was considered "exotic" in someone's personal garden.

A long time ago, politicians were able to balance the budget and pick their nose at the same time.

--Only In Italy

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Thomas L. Mowbray, Editor