THE PICAYUNE

(“It’s the truth even if it didn’t happen.”)

20 March 2009

"People think it's amazing that the President would take the time to leave Washington, DC, and fly 3,000 miles to come to California. But that happens to a lot of guys when their mother-in-law moves in with them." --Jay Leno, on Obama's appearance on "The Tonight Show"

"We were also going to have Vice President Joe Biden come out and say a few words, but it's only an hour show." --Jay Leno

President Obama made headlines last month when he gave a gift of 25 DVDs of American movies to British PM Gordon Brown after Brown visited the White House. But it turns out the DVDs won't even work. "[W]hen the PM settled down to begin watching them the other night, he found there was a problem. ... The films only worked in DVD players made in North America and the words 'wrong region' came up on his screen." –The Progress Report

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"The U.S. Justice department said they will no longer use the term 'enemy combatant' when talking about detainees at Guantanamo Bay. The new name will be 'guys who make you nervous when they're on your flight.' --Jay Leno

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“Earlier this week, Republican Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa said that AIG executives should follow the Japanese model by publicly apologizing and then doing one of two things – either resign or kill themselves. But why not have them resign, then kill themselves on pay per view, huh? That would raise enough money to pay off everybody they screwed.” –Jay Leno

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"Former presidential candidate John Edwards spoke to Brown University last night to a crowd of 600 people. I think the topic was 'From Hair to Paternity.' He spoke to the students at Brown about poverty and morals. Yeah, and who better to lecture young people about poverty and morals than a rich personal injury attorney who knocked up his mistress?" -- Jay Leno

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Rome - March 13, 2009 - Speed traps must be signposted in time for motorists to slow down, Italy's highest court said Friday.

The Cassation Court said signs alerting drivers to the cameras must be placed "at least 400 meters (440 yards)" before the devices.

The court, whose rulings set precedents, issued its verdict in the case of a Calabrian company, Speed Control, which was found guilty of hiding cameras to make profits with municipal authorities who fined speeding drivers. The Supreme Court recalled that, by law, 400 meters is the minimum distance for alerting drivers to the presence of speed traps.

It pointed out that Italian traffic law is aimed more at preventing accidents than punishing offenders.

"Scassacazzo", can you believe it? A sign warning you you're about to get fleeced out of 150 Euros (195 USD). Welcome to the Italian Twilight Zone..

So, why are the chances you will actually see one of these warning signs on the road very slim? Because while you're driving in the Twilight Zone you'll be too occupied with defending your car and dear life from the happy little bands of Italian jackasses screaming down the highways in their ignorant and customary fashion!

- Use the rear-view mirror? FAIL!
- Wear a seatbelt? FAIL!
- Turn signals? FAIL!
- Slow down in the rain? FAIL!

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- Overtaking with inches to spare, forcing you off to the side of the road? PASS!
- Wearing sunglasses at night? PASS!
- Talking on mobile phones? PASS!

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Wearing sunglasses at night, talking on a mobile phone while overtaking you with inches to spare? PASS with HONORS, you "figlio di puttana!"

Basically, the four main points of highway safety can be summed up as:

- "Don't speed, cornuto!"
- "Look where you're going, faccia di culo!"
- "Be considerate of other drivers, testa di minchia!"
- "Try and make at least some use of the squirt of intelligence you were born with because life is short, coglioni!"

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After driving in Italy the highways of the United States looked like a trip on a tricycle around a Kindergarten playground.

--Only In Italy

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Thomas L. Mowbray, Editor