THE PICAYUNE

(“It’s the truth even if it didn’t happen.”)

23 January 2009

"Finally America got to hear those four words it has been waiting for...'Former President George Bush.'" --Jay Leno

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"This morning, Barack Obama entered the Oval Office for the first time as president and he spent ten minutes alone. Yep. Shows you how things have changed. When President Bush spent ten minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time-out." --Conan O'Brien

"The total cost of the inauguration was $170 million. They say this is the most expensive celebration since that last AIG retreat on our bailout money." --Jay Leno

"During his inaugural address, President Barack Obama said, 'Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mothers-in-law moving in with them.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is in the latest issue of the 'Spider-Man' comics. That's when you know you're big, when you're in 'Spider-Man' comics. The story is about how Spider-Man stops bad guys from ruining Barack's inauguration. And psychologists believe this comic book was actually very handy in helping President Bush understand the transition." --Jay Leno

"Listen to what Barack Obama did today. He worked on the stimulus plan, had a classified intelligence briefing and met with Congressional leaders. Meanwhile, John McCain backed over his mailbox." --David Letterman

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Yesterday (20 January 2009) while their parents were out dancing at the inaugural balls, daughters Malia and Sasha had some of their friends over to watch Disney movies and participate in a scavenger hunt, in which they "ran around their new home, learning about the history of the White House." ABC News reports that at the end of the game, "they opened a door to discover their favorite musical performers: Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas -- the pop boy band sensation who first exploded on the Disney Channel and also appeared earlier this week at the Kids’ Inaugural Concert." –The Progress Report

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“I tell you, it’s cold all over the East Coast. And did you see those blizzards all over the place? The whole country was so white the Republicans thought they were back in charge again.” –Jay Leno

"The new season of 'Lost' kicked off tonight. If you haven't seen it, 'Lost' is about a group of desperate people out of touch with the world. It's based on the true story of the Republican Party." --Craig Ferguson

"And it was cold. It was so cold in Washington that Al Gore led a prayer for global warming. In fact, by the end of the inauguration, everybody's face looked like Nancy Pelosi." --Jay Leno

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The police department in Franklin, Tenn., announced it will patrol parking lots, looking in cars for things that might attract thieves, and leaving "crime prevention cards" on cars that have tempting goods in view. "A friendly reminder from alert and responsive Franklin police officers may be all it takes to help keep someone from leaving their purse or phone on their front seat while running into the store," said Deputy Police Chief David Rahinsky. The town has recently seen a 15 percent increase in auto burglaries. (Nashville Tennesseean) ...Since car burglars have been able to save time by only looking in cars with crime prevention cards on them. –This Is True

DIFFERENTIAL DIAGNOSIS: Researchers at Australia's University of New South Wales say sarcasm is a good way to diagnose frontotemporal dementia. Or, really, the inability to understand someone is being sarcastic is indicative of that common form of the disease, especially among people younger than 65. "They don't detect humor," said study lead John Hodges. "They are very bad at double meaning and a lot of humor is based on double meaning." But, he said, people with early Alzheimer's disease have no trouble understanding humor. (Sydney Telegraph) ...So if you didn't find any humor in this story, you may have FTD. If you did, relax: it's only Alzheimer's. –This Is True

"Woman Fires Shotgun into Wall While Asleep" -- Fargo (N.D) Forum headline

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Thomas L. Mowbray, Editor