THE PICAYUNE

(“It’s the truth even if it didn’t happen.”)

27 March 2009

"How many watched President Obama's news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, Obama said he likes to know what he's talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies." --Jay Leno

"Obama also repeated his support for Treasury Secretary Geithner, who unveiled his plan yesterday for the government to buy up the so-called toxic assets from troubled banks and sell them to China, which will then make them into children's toys, and should solve the problem entirely." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama was on TV saying Americans are angry. We are angry, but we don't want a press conference. We want to see Obama pelting AIG executives with a sock full of quarters shouting, "Here's change we can believe in!" --Craig Ferguson

Did you know that President Obama signed the stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

"This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse." --Jimmy Kimmel

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“George W. Bush, who was our president before Barack Obama, recently signed a deal to write a book for $7 million. In the book, Bush will discuss his 12 toughest decisions, like ‘should I heed Al Roker’s warnings about Katrina?’ That would be one tough decision. ‘Should I let Cheney carry a loaded shotgun?’ That would be another.” –David Letterman

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“This week eight tourists became the first Westerners to vacation in Iraq on an officially sanctioned tour. They’re spending their spring break in Iraq. Which is kind of like spring break in Florida. Half get bombed, the other half get stoned.” –Jay Leno

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"The market rallied yesterday after the Treasury said it was going to help banks sell off their toxic assets. That's the big problem, banks can't sell toxic assets. Well, duh. I mean, I'm no economist, but maybe you should stop calling them toxic assets. Huh? Isn't that like KFC advertising salmonella chicken?" --Jay Leno

The Obama administration, hoping to find investors to buy $1 trillion worth of so-called "toxic" assets from U.S. financial institutions, has turned to confessed swindler Bernie Madoff to mastermind the sales campaign.

While White House officials acknowledged that joining forces with the jail-bound scam artist was likely to raise some eyebrows, privately they are hoping that when it comes to selling bad assets to investors, the "Madoff magic" will carry the day.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel said on CNN last night "If anyone can convince investors to buy a worthless piece of paper, it's Bernie Madoff." –The Borowitz Report

Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience. –Comedy Central

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“Senator Chris Dodd, after first denying it, now admits that he’s the one who eliminated the provision in the stimulus package that outlawed excessive bonuses. He also just happened to have received $280,000 from AIG in campaign contributions. What a coincidence – what are the odds of that?” –Jay Leno

BRENT BUDOWSKY

How to Really Hit Back at Wall Street

consortiumnews.com — Let's ban political contributions to any candidate, of any party, for any office by any company that receives bailout money, until the money is paid back in full.

--Our Future Today

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"He wanted to go to the church," said Bay City, Mich., Police Sgt. Gordon Cameron. "I don't know why." Officers were called when the unnamed man tried to enter the St. Mary of the Assumption Catholic Church without a stitch of clothing on, interrupting a funeral Mass. He was not arrested, but was taken to a hospital for evaluation. Once it was all over the Rev. Craig Albrecht concluded, "It is a little odd." (Bay City Times) ...No shirt, no shoes, no salvation. –This Is True

"Alcoholic Hand Gels Removed from Hospitals after Patients Use Them to Get Drunk" -- London Telegraph headline

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Thomas L. Mowbray, Editor